Steamed Hams, but it's Steven Universe
by littleursa
Summary: Holly Blue invites Yellow Diamond to her substation for an unforgettable presentation. - (A recreation of the Steamed Hams meme, but it involves Holly Blue Agate as Skinner and Yellow Diamond as Chalmers. This was a request from someone. I'm sorry that I did this, may Rebecca Sugar have mercy on my soul.)


Inside of the hangar of the orbital zoo above one of the many gem controlled planets, a recently arrived ship finally rested against the floor. The ship's ramp lowered and stopped not too far from a blue gem. She stood at attention, waiting nervously for the passenger of the ship to come out.

The door opened and a giant woman, who was covered in yellow clothing from top to bottom, stepped on to the ramp and down towards the blue gem.

"Well, Holly Blue, I made it, despite your directions," she spoke with an annoyed sigh.

"Ah, Yellow Diamond, welcome!" Holly Blue greeted the towering diamond, "I hope you are prepared for an unforgettable presentation!" The blue gem stepped to the side to allow Yellow Diamond to the station to the Diamond's Hallway. As Yellow Diamond gave a small noise of disinterest as she entered, Holly Blue followed close behind.

The two arrived into the Diamond's room, where the towering leader took a seat. Holly Blue kept walking into a connecting room. However, once the smaller gem entered, she gasped in shock at what she had seen: her captive was gone from his holding cell.

"Oh my stars, my captive prisoner is gone!" Holly Blue exclaimed in distress. The electronics of the cell look as if it had been tampered with, leaving the computers fried, sparking, and smoking. But then an idea came to Holly Blue's mind as she looked at a door that connected to Pink Diamond's Zoo. "But what if…." she asked herself, "I were to take one of the organisms from Pink Diamond's Zoo and pass it off as the captured 'Steven' subject." This thought sat well with Holly Blue, as she chuckled at herself, "Ho ho ho, delightfully devilish, Holly Blue."

The blue gem started to quietly moved toward the zoo entrance when the door to the Diamond's room opened up, revealing Yellow Diamond. "I-" the diamond was about to speak but caught herself as she was looking at Holly Blue moving to the other door. She gave the gem an intense glare.

"Yellow Diamond! I was just…." Holly Blue perked up at the sight of the large diamond in the doorway. She was struggling to find a quick explanation for her odd, mid-lunge position, "...just stretching my legs here in the holding room. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?" Her words were fast, hoping to cover her lies and panic.

The death stare from Yellow Diamond seemed to go right through Holly Blue's excuses. Whether she believed her or not, Yellow simply asked about the obvious issue in the holding cell, "Why does that holding cell look like it has been tampered with, Holly Blue?"

Holly Blue spoke up, "Oh! It has not tampered with, it has been broken by our presentation, Steven, who I will be bringing out after we finish our game of hide-n-seek! Mmhmm!" She stood at attention before the diamond with a nervous but wide smile.

Without saying a word, Yellow Diamond returned to the previous room, leaving Holly Blue in the holding room by herself. Giving a quick sigh, Holly Blue wiped her forehead in relief and entered Pink Diamond's Zoo in a hurry.

Several minutes later, Holly Blue returned pushing a floating cart with a crate containing a human behind the bars. "Yellow Diamond, I hope you are ready for the presentation of the life-form known as Cee-Ten!"

"I thought you were presenting a life-form known as 'Steven'," Yellow recalled.

"Oh no! I said Cee-Ten!" Holly Blue emphasized her speech to the different name, "That's what I call our captive subject here."

"You call this organism Steven, Cee-Ten?" Yellow raised her eyebrow.

"Yes! It's a….regional dialect," the blue gem explained as she motioned with her hand.

The diamond squinted in disbelief, "Uh-huh, what region?"

"Uhh….the northern hemisphere of the Homeworld."

"Really," Yellow said in more a statement than a question, "well, I'm from the capital and I've never heard any gem used the name Cee-Ten."

"Oh, not in the capital, no, it's a northeastern hemisphere expression," Holly Blue insisted.

"I see," Yellow Diamond still held doubt.

Despite the oddness of Holly Blue Agate's behavior, Yellow Diamond took a look at the captive organism in the caged cart. The individual that was sitting inside was a human male that seemed to be content and not bothered by the giant woman who was examining him.

"You know this Steven looks quite similar to the carbon-based lifeforms that occupy Pink Diamond's Zoo here on this station," Yellow remarked as she looked closely at the individual's clothing.

Holly Blue gave a hearty chuckle, "Hoo hoo, no, that's the unique lifeform Cee-Ten! One-of-a-kind!"

"That wears similar clothing."

"Yes!"

"And you call them Cee-Ten despite the fact that they are Steven and have almost identical clothing to the organisms in the zoo?" Yellow pointed at the captive's individual's clothing, particularly their earrings.

Behind the blue gem, in the other room, a faint simmering sound was audible.

Holly Blue began to talk but stopped herself, "The-" She tried to start again but had to catch herself again, "One thing I-" With a calm, but very panicked tone, Holly Blue stood up, "Excuse me for a second." Quickly, she entered the holding room, which was engulfed with flames

"Of course," Yellow mumbled.

The blue gem returned from the burning room with moments, giving a fake yawn, "Well, that was a wonderful presentation, a good time was had by all, I'm pooped."

"Yes, I should be-," Yellow Diamond looked up to see smoke coming from the room behind Holly Blue Agate and quickly stood up, changing her tone to one of surprise, "Oh my stars, what is happening in there?"

Without missing a beat, Holly Blue answered, "Aurora borealis."

"A-Aurora borealis?" Yellow raised her voice in both confusion and disbelief. "At this time of year? At this time of day? In this substation satellite? Localized entirely in your holding room?" her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Yes!"

Yellow was silent for a moment before asking a sincere follow up question, "May I see it?"

Holly Blue also paused for a second of thought before answering, "No."

The two gems walked back to the ship hangar. Yellow stopped right at the edge of her ship's ramp and turned to face Holly Blue, who seemed to be in a slight hurry to end their meeting.

"Holly Blue, the station is on fire!" the voice of an Amethyst called out in a panic. Both Yellow and Holly Blue turned to face the door to the hangar, where the voice was coming from.

"No 8XJ, it's just the cosmic lights," Holly Blue called back in a calm manner.

Yellow Diamond brushed the call for help aside, "Well, Holly Blue Agate, you are an odd gem, but I must say you run a good satellite." She added a small smile at the end of her statement.

As the diamond turned around to walk up the ramp of her ship, the flames of the fire continued to spread, including to the hangar itself.

"Help! Haalllpp!" the Amethyst continued to call out horror, pleading for any help, while the other Amethysts joined in the frantic insanity within the flames.

Yellow quickly turned around to look at the source. Instead, she saw Holly Blue giving her a big smile and a thumbs up. The diamond returned to walking up her ramp and boarded her ship.

END


End file.
